FEAR / by Shaun Ventulan

fear

ˈfir/

noun

  1. 1

    an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

    "drivers are threatening to quit their jobs in fear after a cabby's murder"

    synonyms:terrorfright, fearfulness, horroralarmpanicagitationtrepidationdreadconsternationdismaydistress

verb

  1. 1

    be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

    "he said he didn't care about life so why should he fear death?"

    synonyms:be afraid of, be fearful of, be scared of, be apprehensive of, dread, live in fear of, be terrified of; More

 

Life without fear is life not lived. 

I conquered many of my fears last year. I spearheaded myself into what frightens me - what gives me anxiety. I realized that if I do not address my irrational fears, then a life towards betterment will be unachievable

I've always feared of being lost and alone. When the anxiety starts to manifest itself, who will I run to? Who will help me find composure? I feared that I will be too reliant on a psychologist to tell me how to cope. I was fortunate enough to have been given to offer to travel wherever my heart desires. Although the thought of traveling alone secretly frightened me, I figured it would be the best way to desensitize myself away from the negative thoughts.

I went away for 5 weeks by myself. I walked the streets of Europe alone. I explored, got lost, felt lost, and frustrated myself countless of times. After days of doing everything on my own, all sorts of social anxiety went away. I was content being alone. I started drinking coffee again; my beloved drink that I had to avoid in fear of a panic attack. I felt normal again. Normalcy is all I wanted. 

 

Tokyo was quite the same. This was during the peak of my issues with anxiety. I left with my friend Zach, and the other bunch to go to the Owl Cafe. It was fun having a companion during my trip, but again, I felt too reliant. I felt that if I lost them, I won't be able to find my way back home. So, I left. I went ahead of everyone - charged my rail pass and headed towards the station. I felt uneasy, as I did not know how to navigate around the subway station, but I eventually found my way home. It was liberating. I felt free. I conquered. 

 

I feared love. I dreaded the thought of losing someone again - recovery always felt awful. Fear and doubt hinders ones ability to fully experience love. To accept all uncertainty, in my opinion, is the bravest thing a human can do. So I loved again, fully. I did not once doubt how I felt, despite some turbulence. It is a rewarding feeling, no matter what the outcome, because I lived life. I no longer feared rejection. I learned my best to compromise. Most importantly, I learned to love again.